passion 2012

Passion is in a few days.

In the past year, I admit that I haven't been letting God work in me to the fullest.  I know exactly how to fix this too, I know how to let Him, but I just can't.  I won't.

It was almost one year ago at Passion 2011 when I realized something that changed my relationship with God ever since.  It was then that I realized that for the first and only time in my life, I actually hated someone.  I always thought I've hated before then, but no.  I realized I didn't care whether he goes to heaven or whether he goes to hell when he dies.

That's when you know you truly hate someone.  When you have absolutely no regard whatsoever for his or her salvation.

It's so, so, so ridiculously hard to let God work on your heart when you love Him and hate someone at the same time.  Maybe even impossible.  I don't want to let go of this hate for the sake of letting it go, for the sake of forgiving this person.  I simply want to let go of this hate only for the sake of feeling close to my Father again.  But my stubbornness trumps that desire to feel intimate again.

I am a sinful, disgusting human being.  I know this, and I do nothing about it.  I need prayer, but I'm too afraid to ask for it.  Sigh... hopefully, this year, I'll find some kind of healing, some kind of step forward, some kind of release from the hold that this hate has taken on me.

God, I need You to do something with me.  I can't even genuinely ask you to take this away from me because honestly this hate is all I have left of this person.  So just step in.  Intervene.  Force it out of me, if You have to.  Just please, do something...  I just want to feel close to You again.