Relationships are all about learning. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, I've heard it all before. But geez, it's so true. The thing is, I don't think I like what I'm learning. I've realized, during the past few months that I've been in a relationship, that I'm pretty bad at being a girlfriend. Oy. He always wants to hold hands, he loves hugging, etc., but I'm just not really into that stuff as much as he is. I mean, he's the one who suggested watching Beauty and the Beast in 3D this past weekend! I wasn't exactly jumping up and down at the idea, but I just wanted to spend time with him so I complied... hahahaha. Anyway, I'm sure it frustrates him. It's not like I'm trying to be emotionally distant, I just am. Maybe it's some kind of defense mechanism I have for myself. But blah. I don't know.
I think I'm just incapable of showing affection to the actual objects of my affections. All that God does is shower His love upon me, but what do I do in return... I thank Him, yeah, but what do I do to reciprocate that love? I love Him, but how do I show Him that I love Him? In the same way, in terms of my relationship with Chris, all that he does is care about me and treat me well and show affection towards me, but what do I do in return? When he articulates his feelings into words, I just fall silent. It's not that I don't care, I simply find it hard to express myself in that way, but why? All people want is to love and be loved in return. Why is it that he just gives and gives, while I just continue to keep on taking and not giving back? I'm starting to wonder if I'm even capable of showing love at all... whether it's to God or to other people. Maybe I'm just not good at relationships of any type, including the one with my heavenly Father above.
Is it pride? Do I think it's a sign of weakness to show any form of vulnerability, including revealing what I feel in the very depths of my being?
Is it callousness? Am I just an insensitive, heartless creature that's incapable of feeling any inkling of emotion? (Doubt it, you should see me when I'm PMSing, I get pretty emotional... haha)
Is it fear? Is it because there are so many failed past experiences that I've taught my heart to hide itself to prevent it from hurting anymore? Is it because I believe that it won't last?
Is it insecurity? Do I just feel like I don't deserve any of this? That I don't deserve to be loved like this, to be treated like this? That I don't deserve grace, I don't deserve these gifts?
Is it a combination of all of the above? I don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever find the answer. It's not that I don't care, I just can't seem to outwardly show that I do. But it's unfair. It's unfair to God, and it's unfair to him. They deserve more than what I give them, and I'm sure it hurts them more than I actually realize.
But I'm still learning... I'm still learning how to be a girlfriend, and how to be a servant of Christ. I'm not very good at being either right now, but I'm still learning...
Hmm. On a side note. Just realized yesterday that today marks the sixth anniversary of the worst day of my life.
- - -
Sighhhhhhhh. I'm tired. just want to take a nap. But I'm definitely enjoying this alone time right now, not gonna lie.
I think I'm just incapable of showing affection to the actual objects of my affections. All that God does is shower His love upon me, but what do I do in return... I thank Him, yeah, but what do I do to reciprocate that love? I love Him, but how do I show Him that I love Him? In the same way, in terms of my relationship with Chris, all that he does is care about me and treat me well and show affection towards me, but what do I do in return? When he articulates his feelings into words, I just fall silent. It's not that I don't care, I simply find it hard to express myself in that way, but why? All people want is to love and be loved in return. Why is it that he just gives and gives, while I just continue to keep on taking and not giving back? I'm starting to wonder if I'm even capable of showing love at all... whether it's to God or to other people. Maybe I'm just not good at relationships of any type, including the one with my heavenly Father above.
Is it pride? Do I think it's a sign of weakness to show any form of vulnerability, including revealing what I feel in the very depths of my being?
Is it callousness? Am I just an insensitive, heartless creature that's incapable of feeling any inkling of emotion? (Doubt it, you should see me when I'm PMSing, I get pretty emotional... haha)
Is it fear? Is it because there are so many failed past experiences that I've taught my heart to hide itself to prevent it from hurting anymore? Is it because I believe that it won't last?
Is it insecurity? Do I just feel like I don't deserve any of this? That I don't deserve to be loved like this, to be treated like this? That I don't deserve grace, I don't deserve these gifts?
Is it a combination of all of the above? I don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever find the answer. It's not that I don't care, I just can't seem to outwardly show that I do. But it's unfair. It's unfair to God, and it's unfair to him. They deserve more than what I give them, and I'm sure it hurts them more than I actually realize.
But I'm still learning... I'm still learning how to be a girlfriend, and how to be a servant of Christ. I'm not very good at being either right now, but I'm still learning...
Hmm. On a side note. Just realized yesterday that today marks the sixth anniversary of the worst day of my life.
- - -
Sighhhhhhhh. I'm tired. just want to take a nap. But I'm definitely enjoying this alone time right now, not gonna lie.
A sermon I heard said that you should get to know each other first, then date. But often we date first and then get to know each other. Not saying what you're doing is wrong. Just food for thought! :)
ReplyDelete