You should hear some of the things she tells me sometimes late at night when she's worrying about you.

Like about how she wishes she could go back ten years and all of the things she would have done differently then.  Or about all the regrets she has.  Or about the thoughts that sometimes tell her how bad of a mother she is.

It breaks my heart to hear her say things like this.

You should see how you break her heart when you do things like this.

Am I just overreacting?


Once again, I find myself turning to my blogger here because I find that no other outlet will suffice.  But today I'm going to be really generic and not go into specifics over what happened.  I just don't want to, in fear that all the memories will come flooding back.  It's not even like my life was in any real danger this past Saturday night, so I'm left here wondering... am I just overreacting?

I still shake sometimes thinking about what happened.  I wouldn't get a panic attack for no reason, right?  I was genuinely terrified.  About what? ...  I'm not exactly sure.  Maybe I was just afraid of what might happen with no one around.  It was a scary situation, and the potential of it becoming dangerous was definitely there.  The place looked as if it was straight out of a horror movie.  I couldn't face them, I couldn't turn around, I couldn't move.  I remember when my hands started shaking uncontrollably, then my breath, and then the rest of my body soon after.  As soon as I began to walk away, that's when the hyperventilation started.  And then the dizziness.  And then the fuzziness.  And then the panic.  The deep, intense, searing white panic.

I don't remember much of what happened after.  I just remember getting out of there, into the car, and speeding my way home.  I thought I'd finally escaped it, but it revisited me that night, in my nightmares.  I relived that horror scene over and over again.  And now tonight I'm afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to relive it anymore.

So what happened exactly?  Did I just imagine things to be worse than it really was?  Am I taking things out of proportion?  The ones who already know, who've already heard what happened don't think it's a big deal.  But how could they possibly understand?  They weren't there.  It was just me and one other girl.  She's just as traumatized as I am, if not more.  They didn't see the horror, nor did they experience the depth of the fear that we felt.  I'm expected to go back to that place in a few days.  Although it's not like the horror scene anymore, how am I supposed to go back?  How can they expect me to forget?  It's easy for them to say it's not that bad because they didn't see it.  They don't know.  They don't understand.  They aren't having nightmares about it.  They can't possibly know what I'm going through.

So no.  I'm not overreacting.  They just don't know.

Our education system is so messed up. Whoever has the best memory or best cheat sheet gets the best grades (unless you're actually really smart..), but for people like me who have to work for it, and whose memory isn't the best, and who doesn't always make the best cheat sheets.... it's one messed up system. Darn you, University System of Georgia.

first QT in months

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

- James 4:8

I have tasted and have seen the goodness of God.  And in my rebellion, I have also tasted and seen what this world has to offer.  And I have realized... this world really has nothing of true substance for me.  Nothing fully satisfies.  And in my rebellion, I have fallen to the lowest that I have ever been.  I have become the person whom I hate the most.  I am bitter, angry, cynical, judgmental, drunk, impatient, insecure, and alone.


But now it's time, time to stop believing in the lies of the world.  Time to cleanse my hands, time to purify my heart.  Time to pick myself up from the ground, wipe off the dirt from my face, from my clothes.  Time to start over in His grace.  Time to crawl again, then walk again, then run again.  Time to draw near to Him.


And I know the journey will be difficult, as it always is... but I think it's about time for the prodigal daughter to return home.

holes

People are really starting to annoy the crap outta me... think I'm gonna be deactivating my facebook sometime soon...

Everyday, more and more, I'm scaring myself with how bitter and cynical I'm becoming. I guess this is what happens when I fall away from everything I believe in.

It's so hard to climb back up out of this hole I've dug myself into... But then again it's even harder for me to just stay here.

Come on, Angie... let's do this. Let's get outta here.

Why am I treating God, who is my heavenly Father, like how I treat my earthly father?

... good question.

God commands us to rejoice in Him, always.

So I will.

My God is bigger than my problems.  He will pull us through this.

From sufferings to perseverance, to character, to hope.