optimism, let's give you another try

Feels like it's been a while since I've updated.


I really need to read the Bible more. I even bought a new study Bible at the beginning of the semester so that I could understand it a little better when I read, but I've only used it maybe twice since then. As busy as I am, can I really not dedicate 10-20 minutes out of my day to spend time reading the Word?? There's no excuse for this.

- - -

I literally spent every day at the library for the past two weeks. I spent every waking moment studying for my calc test yesterday (which I still think I failed, btw). If it's going to be like this every couple of weeks before a calc test, then I'm gonna dieeeeeeee. Blarghhhhh.

School is tough. I seriously thought I was smart until I came here. I feel like I'm in the bottom 10% when it comes to intelligence...

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?!

I bet I'm in like the top 5% when it comes to the amount of effort I put into my studies. I'll study something for two weeks, when it takes the average person two hours to study the same exact thing. Call me crazy, but I think that's what really matters. My friend told me the other day, "It doesn't matter HOW you get there, as long as you get there in the end." I highly disagree. I think the process is much more important than the end result. I feel so proud of myself knowing that I worked hard for this and that I tried my absolute best. So what if I fail after all of that? I don't care, I'll still be content, knowing that I gave it my all. It doesn't matter if you get there in the end (although it is a plus...), as long as you really try and give it everything you got.


YAY FOR OPTIMISM!! :)

plans

I didn't get the job that I wanted needed.

I was planning on getting this job since last semester. I even made my whole schedule for this semester revolve around this job's main hours. What with all our recent financial struggles, I simply needed this job...

I went through so much trouble for it. I called the financial office five times, emailed my financial aid advisor four times, left her two messages. A week and a huge mess later, I finally have a work-study award (because I wasn't allowed to apply for the job without it). At the same time, I have to pay back the school $1250 bucks.

But I didn't get the job. Just found out a few minutes ago.

I don't know what I'm gonna do now. I need this job. I have to help my family out. How am I supposed to do that if there's no way for me to earn money? And how am I supposed to pay the school back if I have no job? I was determined to work my butt off this semester. I knew it was gonna be hard trying to balance my schoolwork and a job, but I was ready and willing to do it for the sake of my family. Yeah, I'm taking some hard classes. Yeah, I'm busy with church stuff as well. Yeah, a job would be just be added stress. But I didn't care. I needed this.

...

My plan was to set up my ideal classes for this semester so that I could make this my job that fit into my schedule. ... Angie, Angie, Angie. You and your terrible memory. You already seem to have forgotten.

What a wake up call.

God, I don't know what Your plan is, but I know You will provide. You always have up to now, and so I'll continue to trust in You. I'm sorry for going about this my own way, without even asking for Your help and guidance.

Not by my will, Lord, but Yours. So I'm trusting in You.

lovely (center of my universe) - michelle tumes

(covered by thatsestherly)

You're the sweet dreams that soothe me
When I can't fall asleep
You're the field in the middle of the city
When I'm rushing by at the speed of light
You're the strong resolution when I find no peace
You're the church bells ringing in the evening
When all is quiet You whisper comfort
That lifts my heart
I get so weak

Ooh You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe
A thousand times I look around me and I find
Ooh You're lovely, lovely
You're the center of my universe
A million ways could not explain
You're lovely

You're the soft words that touch me
When I just can't speak
You're the breeze on the ocean in the morning
Reminding me to greet the day
You're the flowers I remember seeing in Italy
Colors through a golden haze
Bright and radiant, soft and fragrant
In the noon day sun, it makes me sing

I understand there may be grief
And there may be pain
But I'm aware You blind the darkness
With Who You are

can't... stop... snacking...

freshman 15, here I come again, after I've already begun the process of trying to lose you.


This past weekend I took this little assessment to see what spiritual gifts I may have. Turns out I most likely have the gift of faith, with the gift of mercy and hospitality as close runner-ups.

Ironically, I've been having a hard time trusting in God in every aspect of my life these days. Sure, I'll trust Him when it comes to this, I'll put my faith in Him when it comes to that. But when it comes to every single little thing in my life, I can't say that I fully trust Him. I also had people tell me just a few days ago that they've been encouraged by the amount of trust I place in Him. Little do they know just how limited that trust becomes after a certain point. At the same time, I found it pretty surprising that the gift of mercy came up 2nd and hospitality 3rd. I've recently been receiving remarks from various people that I've gotten a bit meaner. Quite the irony. But I admit, it's nice to know what type of spiritual gifts I may have. I never thought that there were these types of spiritual gifts; this whole time I just figured I didn't have any gifts whatsoever.

This weekend was such an encouragement.

I love my church, my brothers and my sisters so much.
So much that I think it may be time to start visiting other churches.
I have so much to learn and so, so much room to grow.


- - -

On another note.............

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!
Why why why why why ?!?!?! NOOOOOO !!!
But who am I trying to convince...
Dang it.

funny

how it all works out according to His plan.

I always seem to forget. Every now and then I'll be reminded, but give me a few days and I'll forget again. Come on, Angie. Remember everything He's ever done for you. Remember it's not about you. It's not according to your plans. It has nothing to do with what you want or need. How could you possibly forget?


I have horrible memory.

four years

Has it been that long already?

Everyday I wonder... and I imagine how differently things would have turned out. If only certain words weren't exchanged, if only there was forgiveness instead. If you never left. Then none of this would have happened.


How I wish we could all go back...



"요새는 하루하루가 살얼음 걷는 것 같고 정말 내가 죽고싶다. 너무 힘들고 피곤해."

I'm having a hard time trying to express my thoughts into words. This is my fourth attempt in the past hour at an entry for today. I guess it's a reflection of all the turmoil and chaos going on in my head.


Confusion yet hope, anger but desperation, loneliness and longing, beauty in the brokenness. Just lost, overall.

"Dismantle me down, and repair"


I suppose this will do for now.