rawr

Just some thoughts on my mind the past few days.

I miss Andy oppa.  It's been about a year since I last saw him, but even that was only for a few days.  I hope he's doing well.  It seems like he's great... like he's not lost anymore.  I wanna see him.  I have this plan that I just came up with a few minutes ago... like a possible road trip to Kansas City the week before school starts.  Hopefully it'll work out, hopefully I can see him.

I hate periods.  I'm so bloated right now, even my face is swollen.  The moment I walked into work today, my coworkers were shocked at how horrible I looked.  My cramps are killing me.  I took medication but it's not working... they get worse and worse every month.  I cried yesterday while watching TV.  For no reason.  Heck, I was watching a comedy show at the time.  I feel disgusting.  I mean I'm already sensitive enough while I'm on this thing cause of my uncontrollable raging hormones, but all the bloating and swelling is making me even more insecure than I already am.  Every month it gets worse and worse-- physically and emotionally.  BLAH.

I don't want to go home.  But I want to see people.  Hm.  I wouldn't exactly say I'm homesick... I'm just worried that I may be forgotten soon...

My boss talked to me yesterday.  He asked me if I missed home.  I said no, I'd like to stay here a few more months if I could.  So he asked me to stay a few more months.  I said I couldn't because I had school.  So he asked me to work here after I graduate.  I thought he was joking... but he was completely serious.  But why?  I don't do anything remotely beneficial to this company.  Seriously.  Sure, I correct English mistakes that some of my coworkers make.  Yeah, I help find useful websites that they may find useful.  That's about all I do.  Why would he want me to work as a full-time employee here...?  Which brings me to my next point.

We all long to be significant in life.  Whether it's to a person, or whether you want to make a difference in the world, or whether you want to do a good job in your company... everyone wants to be of some significance to something at some (if not every) point in their lives.  They just want to matter.  Right now, I long to be at least somewhat useful to this company... but I'm not.  What can I do that no one else here can?  Nothing.  My Korean skills are so limiting that it's frustrating the hell out of me.  I know, I know, I could always learn Korean... but I mean how much could I really learn in the two years between now and when I graduate?  Not enough to really make that big of a difference.  I just want to help my coworkers here in some way, in ANY way... but I can't.  So I'm wondering, why in the world would my boss want to hire me full-time?  As much as I'm thrilled and grateful that I have a job lined up for me as soon as I graduate, I feel like the guilt of having nothing to contribute would be too much of a burden for me.

I can't wait for KASE.  I need it.

My only comfort these days is God, but I haven't been very faithful these days...

As for the church I (sometimes) go to here in Korea... the messages are always so clear and straight-forward and completely scripture-based and relevant.  They're great.  But as for the people... I mean, to be completely honest, I don't feel like I'm a part of the community.  At all.  Maybe it's just because they know I'll be leaving by the end of the summer, so they don't really make an effort to form any deep relationships with me... like a what's-the-point kinda thing.  Or maybe it's just because it's a big church, and there are a lot of people, and there are a lot of visitors, and it's so easy to just get lost in the crowd and not be noticed.  Either way, it really makes me want to go back to Bethany and be super duper welcoming to all the newcomers.  Like forreal, I want to give them all hugs.  It's tough being a complete stranger in a church, and it shouldn't be.

I have yet to have even a drop of soju touch my tongue.  I guess I'm kind of proud of that.  I mean I've had beer and wine, but only a few sips of each, and only when my bosses made me drink as is the proper etiquette.  Sure, I'm legal here in Korea.  Sure, I'll be legal in less than three months.  Of course, I am looking forward to the day where I can sit at fancy restaurants and sip on fancy drinks with my girlfriends and have deep, meaningful life talks with them.  But I promise you, never in my life will you ever see me completely inebriated beyond control.  Ever.  There's a reason to why I choose not to drink to get drunk.  It's not because I'm still underage in the states.  There's a specific reason, much deeper below the surface, much darker into my past than anyone realizes.  So you make your choices and I'll make mine.  Don't judge me and label me as a lame, no fun goody-goody or a condescending, holier-than-thou prude.. and I won't judge you based on your lifestyle choices either.

The days are going by too quickly.  I have 17 days left at the company, then I go to Seoul to stay with family for a week, and then finally back to the states.  The only reason I would consider taking the job after I graduate is so I could see everyone here again and just hang out with them again.  I seriously feel like part of a family here.. sometimes even more so than my real family.  I hope the next few days are the slowest days of my life... I just want them to last as long as possible.


(Sheesh.  This entry was a lot more negative than I'd intended it to be... bahahahaha oh well.)