I was always a good girl.

My parents raised me to have good morals and values.  I tried my hardest not to steal, lie, or cheat.  I've said only a handful of curse words in my entire life.  I've never done drugs, and I've never been drunk.  I've probably missed less than ten Sunday services my whole life, either from illness or weather conditions, or other things beyond my control.  My main struggles with sin pretty much dealt with envy, idolatry, pride, and every so often materialism, among many others.  But every time I've struggled with those, I would ask the Lord to help me, and to lead me and draw me closer to Him so I could overcome these iniquities.

That is, until now.

I am currently struggling with anger and hatred.  This is the one and only time in my life that I have deliberately chosen not to repent for a sin.  I realized just a few days ago that I've never actually hated anyone until now.  And by hate, I don't mean strongly disliking someone.  By hate, I mean that I don't care for this individual's salvation; I don't care whether they go to heaven or not.  The only reason why I'm acting like this is because I feel that I'm right in my anger; I believe this is a righteous anger, and I have every right to hate them for what they've done to me and my loved ones.

But this is hurting me.

I can see how this bitter hatred is crippling me in my walk.  I can't discern anything He says clearly anymore.  My faith has never been emotionally-driven, but still, I can't feel Him even in the slightest anymore.  This thing that I always thought was just a "dry season" is actually my deliberate rejection of His calling to forgive and love this person.

It's choking me.

I don't want to forgive them.  But I don't want to be far from God anymore.  I know that getting over this is crucial.  But is it right to forgive simply so that I could be back to where I was with God again?  They don't deserve my forgiveness.  They haven't even asked for it in the first place.  So should I grant it to them?