pottery

The past few days, a very close friend of mine has been pointing out a few of the flaws that she has noticed in me recently. I'm not sure if she meant for it to be constructive criticism, or whether she was just straight up calling me out on it. Or maybe she was just saying something without meaning anything much of it. Either way, it hurt me, badly, because I never knew these things about myself... like I didn't even have a CLUE.

I feel like these days I've been trying so hard to change myself (for the better, of course). I got in a pretty big argument last semester with a really good friend of mine, and because of that I've been trying to become less stubborn. Last semester many people told me I was too mean, or my jokes are too jerk, so I've been making a conscious effort to be nicer in everything I say. I've been trying to be more considerate of others. I've been trying to be quieter, to talk less and listen more. To not shoot them down, to not judge, to filter everything I say, and not say it so bluntly. Basically, I've been trying to love them more.

But does anyone even notice? People still say I'm mean. Even today, people talked about how much nicer my brother is compared to me. My brother. MY. BROTHER. Is nicer than me now? .... dang, looks like I've still got a loooong way to go haha. But in all seriousness, I feel like I've changed so much. Yet people think I'm exactly the same...? When will they notice a change? How much must I change in order for them to notice? Does it even matter? After all,

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man?"
- Galatians 1:10

... It does matter. In all honesty, yeah, I guess in a way I am trying to please people. But you know what, I only want to do it so that God can be shown through me, through my words and my actions. I want to have that glow, ya know? I don't know if you know what I'm talking about... but there are certain people who have that glow, and I want it. But I don't have it. I'm still just me. No different than any non-Christian. And I think the reason why it hurts me so much is because I feel like I'm failing if they look at me and they don't see God.

........

But I won't be discouraged.

NO!

I refuse!

Instead, rather than trying to change myself for the better, I'll just let God do the molding, the shape-shifting, the creating. After all, HE'S THE FREAKING CREATOR, MAN!! Who would know how to build us up better than Him?! We don't know nothing!!

- - -

I am but a broken piece of pottery, a rugged piece of clay, a filthy piece of worthlessness. But God I ask that you throw me into that furnace, into the starving flames, let it consume me and refine me, and then take me and mold me into whatever You want. And use me as You wish.

Then when people look at me, may they see You.