found

2012-02-08T15:16:00.000-05:00

God,

grant me patience and understanding
give me eyes to see everyone in the same way that You see them
provide me the strength to go through the rest of this week

hold me, comfort me, lead me.

powderpuff season

2012-02-03T01:31:00.000-05:00

So... it begins.

Today was the first official practice for KUSA powderpuff....... and omgah. I seriously feel like I'm gonna die........... T_______T so many drills. So many ways to run. So many ways to twist and turn and beat and stretch your body. Ughhhhhhhhh I'm not gonna be able to get out of bed tomorrow, seriously. This is the most physical activity I've done since... I dunno, mission training for Dominican Republic or something. Like KUSA volleyball training wasn't that bad. It was just volleyball drills and a couple laps around the track. But this timeeeeeee it's like friggin backwards suicides and sprints and DEATH.

omGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

...

I just wanted to complain and whine a little bit but I'm done now.
Time to pass out for like 15 hours.
Goodnight.

side project

2012-01-31T14:13:00.004-05:00

http://hikarathatov.blogspot.com/

Just a small thing I decided to start. Still keeping this one as my main blog though, but feel free to follow :)

scared to be alone

2012-01-31T13:12:00.003-05:00

Thank you, God, for constantly hearing me and abundantly giving me reasons to praise you in every moment of every day. You are awesome :)

Lovers leave and friends forsake

But there's one thing that I know

My heart will heal and my heart will break

But I'll never be alone

Be near, be near, oh God, be near!

balance

2012-01-30T15:44:00.002-05:00

School, friends, family, boyfriend, church, time to myself. So hard to find a right balance between them. Even within school, there's different subjects to balance. Even within friends, there's different groups of people to balance with.

I've never really been good with time management, but I feel like these days it's getting even harder and harder. Now that I'm getting older (CRY), I get tired so much more easily. More nap times for me. Too tired to stay up past midnight these days. I used to be able to pull multiple all-nighters in a week only one or two years ago. Now they're out of the question. Those were the best nights of my life... staying up all night, studying for Physics with Mingie, sitting at the library and messing around with Jennie and Jay til we're all delirious and laughing about farts, photo booth instead of studying, bringing tons of junk food and scarfing them down within the first hour that we get there. Deep, meaningful life talks as our study breaks.

I miss it. I miss them all. I miss everything I used to have with everyone. But now everyone is in different places, both physically and mentally. ... But I guess I understand. It's just a part of growing up, and these are the growing pains that come with it.

Hmm. Oops... this entry was meant to be about me balancing stuff and time management and everything, but... looks like it's taken a nostalgic turn ahaha. Time to go. I may or may not expand on this entry later, but I most likely will not. So yeah.

2012-01-22T21:52:00.002-05:00

Sigh.

Already stressed about school.

... among other things.

But mostly school.

......

Sigh.

learning

2012-01-17T14:19:00.003-05:00

I love this break between my English class and ISYE 3133 class. I have a whole hour and a half to just kick back and sit and do whatever. It's nice to just have time to myself and be bored for a little while; I feel like I've been constantly moving and doing stuff. So yeah. It's been a while since I updated. Here's what has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks.

Relationships are all about learning. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, I've heard it all before. But geez, it's so true. The thing is, I don't think I like what I'm learning. I've realized, during the past few months that I've been in a relationship, that I'm pretty bad at being a girlfriend. Oy. He always wants to hold hands, he loves hugging, etc., but I'm just not really into that stuff as much as he is. I mean, he's the one who suggested watching Beauty and the Beast in 3D this past weekend! I wasn't exactly jumping up and down at the idea, but I just wanted to spend time with him so I complied... hahahaha. Anyway, I'm sure it frustrates him. It's not like I'm trying to be emotionally distant, I just am. Maybe it's some kind of defense mechanism I have for myself. But blah. I don't know.

I think I'm just incapable of showing affection to the actual objects of my affections. All that God does is shower His love upon me, but what do I do in return... I thank Him, yeah, but what do I do to reciprocate that love? I love Him, but how do I show Him that I love Him? In the same way, in terms of my relationship with Chris, all that he does is care about me and treat me well and show affection towards me, but what do I do in return? When he articulates his feelings into words, I just fall silent. It's not that I don't care, I simply find it hard to express myself in that way, but why? All people want is to love and be loved in return. Why is it that he just gives and gives, while I just continue to keep on taking and not giving back? I'm starting to wonder if I'm even capable of showing love at all... whether it's to God or to other people. Maybe I'm just not good at relationships of any type, including the one with my heavenly Father above.

Is it pride? Do I think it's a sign of weakness to show any form of vulnerability, including revealing what I feel in the very depths of my being?

Is it callousness? Am I just an insensitive, heartless creature that's incapable of feeling any inkling of emotion? (Doubt it, you should see me when I'm PMSing, I get pretty emotional... haha)

Is it fear? Is it because there are so many failed past experiences that I've taught my heart to hide itself to prevent it from hurting anymore? Is it because I believe that it won't last?

Is it insecurity? Do I just feel like I don't deserve any of this? That I don't deserve to be loved like this, to be treated like this? That I don't deserve grace, I don't deserve these gifts?

Is it a combination of all of the above? I don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever find the answer. It's not that I don't care, I just can't seem to outwardly show that I do. But it's unfair. It's unfair to God, and it's unfair to him. They deserve more than what I give them, and I'm sure it hurts them more than I actually realize.

But I'm still learning... I'm still learning how to be a girlfriend, and how to be a servant of Christ. I'm not very good at being either right now, but I'm still learning...

Hmm. On a side note. Just realized yesterday that today marks the sixth anniversary of the worst day of my life.

- - -

Sighhhhhhhh. I'm tired. just want to take a nap. But I'm definitely enjoying this alone time right now, not gonna lie.

passion 2012

2011-12-30T05:56:00.000-05:00

Passion is in a few days.

In the past year, I admit that I haven't been letting God work in me to the fullest. I know exactly how to fix this too, I know how to let Him, but I just can't. I won't.

It was almost one year ago at Passion 2011 when I realized something that changed my relationship with God ever since. It was then that I realized that for the first and only time in my life, I actually hated someone. I always thought I've hated before then, but no. I realized I didn't care whether he goes to heaven or whether he goes to hell when he dies.

That's when you know you truly hate someone. When you have absolutely no regard whatsoever for his or her salvation.

It's so, so, so ridiculously hard to let God work on your heart when you love Him and hate someone at the same time. Maybe even impossible. I don't want to let go of this hate for the sake of letting it go, for the sake of forgiving this person. I simply want to let go of this hate only for the sake of feeling close to my Father again. But my stubbornness trumps that desire to feel intimate again.

I am a sinful, disgusting human being. I know this, and I do nothing about it. I need prayer, but I'm too afraid to ask for it. Sigh... hopefully, this year, I'll find some kind of healing, some kind of step forward, some kind of release from the hold that this hate has taken on me.

God, I need You to do something with me. I can't even genuinely ask you to take this away from me because honestly this hate is all I have left of this person. So just step in. Intervene. Force it out of me, if You have to. Just please, do something... I just want to feel close to You again.

pitter patter

2011-12-27T03:50:00.000-05:00

How I Met Your Mother taught me this: "When it's past 2am, just go to sleep. Nothing good comes after 2am." That includes thinking.

It's raining,

it's almost 4am,

my thoughts are racing.

2011-12-17T22:22:00.002-05:00

I am sin.

That's all I see when I look in the mirror. I'm dirty, filthy, wretched with sin. I'm selfish. I'm easily angered. I'm jealous. I'm lazy. I'm two-faced. I'm insecure. I'm a liar. I'm hypocritical. My main priority is me-- my wants, my desires, my needs. I am weak.

... and yet, He still makes something beautiful out of me.

- - -

Where have you hidden yourself oh my beloved
You fled having wounded
I pursued but you had gone

In search of you my darling I would scale the highest clouds
Scour wooded valleys, roaring torrents whispering gales

Vous etes mon coeur

2011-12-08T19:03:00.002-05:00

why am I such a wreck right now?

to be like david

2011-12-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

"But as for you... flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses."

1 Timothy 6:11-12

- - -

Help me to put to death the things that drive me away from You.
Give me Your strength to do this, because mine alone is far too insufficient.

2011-11-18T23:26:00.002-05:00

It's scary. I'm terrified. I don't want to get vulnerable again. I want to keep my distance. The less I invest into this, the less it'll hurt if it doesn't work out. .... But I feel myself starting to feel more. The walls are starting to crumble down. I'm starting to become more and more vulnerable, and I hate it. I hate showing these emotions, much less having them at all in the first place. Yeah, I understand that this is what being in a relationship is all about-- getting vulnerable with someone else as much as they are getting with you.
Regardless, I still hate feeling weak.

- - -

Lord,

Help me to continue guarding my heart. This is the only way I know how.

2011-11-10T13:28:00.003-05:00

I understand that my friends and family are just looking out for me, but they don't know everything. Sorry 엄마, but I'm not going to force him to go to church. I don't want his intentions of going to church to be for me, rather than for God. Besides, attending church doesn't make him any more of a Christian. In the same way, not attending church doesn't make him less of one either. And to my friends, who are you to judge someone you don't know as well as I do? In fact, who are you to judge at all? So what if he doesn't have the cleanest past. He is no less of a sinner than all of us are.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

"Love keeps no record of wrongs."

This is my decision. If it's a mistake, then let me make it on my own. Or it may end up not being a mistake at all, we'll never know. Yeah, I may not know what the future holds, I don't know if this will work out in the end, but I do know that God is faithful. He won't lead me down any path that isn't ultimately for His glory, or for my good.

2011-11-03T12:24:00.000-04:00

I'm so tired. I had literally the worst nightmare of my life last night. Never dreamt anything more frightening... I know it's just a dream, but I'm still shaken up by it. It has constantly been there in the back of my mind for the past five hours since I've been awake. Couldn't fall back asleep afterwards, and now I'm already exhausted... and it's only noon.

...

But despite everything, God is still good.
Give me peace, Lord. Comfort me, Father.

It's absolutely beautiful outside.

2011-10-27T03:08:00.000-04:00

Vous êtes mon cœur.

Constantly remind me, Lord, just like You did all day today.
Thanks :)

Dear homeless guy at Checkers,

2011-10-19T06:20:00.005-04:00

I sincerely hope you enjoyed your meal, and, despite the greasiness and unhealthiness of it all, that it nourished your body for the coming day.

But more importantly, I want to apologize for my friends' behaviors. One tried to shoo you away like some kind of stray dog; another turned around and straight up ignored you, laughing at you, at the situation. I couldn't just stand there and watch this happen. So I bought you that bacon cheeseburger and milkshake. No hesitation, no regrets. I may be a poor college student, but I still have a roof over my head and food to eat and a bed to sleep in. But my friends reprimanded me as soon as you left, saying that though what I did was a nice gesture, it wasn't smart. They said I'm "too nice" and that it's not always a good thing. I don't know... I disagree with them. I'd much rather be too nice than not nice enough.

Now I'm not saying I'm such a great person and all, because I bought you food. I'm not trying to give myself a nice pat on the back, saying I'm a better person than my peers. I just simply did what I was taught to do since I was born. "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Straight from Scripture, Matthew 25:40. How can I call myself a follower of Christ if I don't live it out?

I'm sorry I forgot to say, "God bless you" after I gave you your food though.

I hope you found shelter in this rainy weather. I'm praying for you today.

2011-10-16T02:13:00.000-04:00

So......... what the freak is going on?

... I don't know. But I guess it's happening. Everyone can judge me all they want, I don't really care anymore. No more hiding, no more secrecy, no more sneaking around, no more lying, no more pretending nothing is going on. Why should I have to hide this?

I'm sorry if you don't agree. I understand you're only looking out for me. But if you think this is a mistake... then let me make my own mistakes and learn from them myself.

And don't worry. I'm stronger than you think I am. I surprise myself sometimes, actually... haha.

Okay. Deep breath. One step at a time.

Starting now.

2011-10-08T18:42:00.001-04:00

It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time

Yup. I'm at a freaking all-out war with myself right now.
Ha haaaaaaaaaaaa.... --;;

2011-10-06T13:17:00.000-04:00

Dang.

I can't believe I almost completely forgot...
I guess it's come to that point. But still, I remembered.
And because I did, I'm going to have a bad day again.
Just like every year.

Happy birthday.

2011-10-03T06:30:00.000-04:00

Blessed.

In every way.

"Who or what is God to you?"

2011-10-02T10:33:00.000-04:00

I missed small group this past Friday because I took a nap and overslept.
This morning, I missed church because I slept late last night and didn't hear my alarm this morning.

This just goes to show where my priorities lie.
Time to rearrange them.

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus..."

2011-09-27T17:52:00.001-04:00

Fight against the lies that the world tells you

Don't you dare give in
Don't you dare let them win

2011-09-26T02:53:00.000-04:00

... enough.

Let's not do this anymore.

2011-09-22T22:53:00.000-04:00

My sleep schedule is entirely screwed up. But I love it. Haha.

I wish so much to be beautiful. Not necessarily on the outside (though I wouldn't mind that at all!! Haha), but I want to be that kind of person where people think I get better looking the more they get to know me. You know what I mean?! Like there are those types of 언니s where I'm just like "Wow, she's freaking beautiful" based purely on her personality. I want to be like that. I dunno, I just want my presence to be a positive one whenever I'm with people. That kind of presence just makes people feel happy.

Post-it notes are my lifesavers. Seriously, I mean it. I write random Bible verses or just little notes to tell myself to have a good day, and I place em all over the wall. Simple reminders of simple truths. Who knew they'd help so much?

I dunno what to do for my 21st birthday. It's coming up in eleven days (!!), and I have nothing planned. If anything, I might just do dinner or something with my family. So many people are telling me to go crazy and get "white boy schwasted", but I'd really rather grab a few good friends and get a really classy, tasty drink at a super fancy bar... but too bad most of my friends are all younger than me. Haha dangit. Forever alone on my birthday?! Woo! Kay no. But seriously, every year I never know what to do for my birthday. I'm actually kind of dreading it this year, to be completely honest.... haha oh well.

Sighhhh this is starting to be a problem. But I'll tackle it when it comes to me head on, full force. I'll worry about it when it's time to worry about it, I'm not gonna try to attack it prematurely. Why make myself go through all this trouble when I don't have to (yet)??

I feel like I lost a really good friend this week. I know that you're willing to be friends again, but honestly, I'm not... not because I don't want to, but because I just feel too guilty. I feel like I've wronged you and hurt you in many ways, and I can't forgive myself for that. I don't deserve to have a friend as good as you. Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to forgive myself, and we can go back to where we once used to be. If you're reading this... I love you so much as a friend and as a sister in Christ. I miss you, and again, I'm sorry.

2011-09-22T05:38:00.003-04:00

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

- - -

Having my friends and family around and knowing that they love and care for me is reason enough for me to keep smiling every moment of every day. Thank you, God, for each and every single one of them. You give me strength and comfort through them all.

2011-09-20T19:54:00.002-04:00

People need to leave me the freak alone. I'm not exactly stable right now. And I promise the emo-licious blog entries will cease eventually.. I just really have no other outlet. I hate showing it on the outside because then people ask about it and I can't lie, so I'd really rather not. I'd rather just bottle it all up so I seem good on the outside (besides, only like two people read this blog... haha). I don't want people to worry about me. I just want everyone to be happy. But that's really naive of me, huh? When am I ever gonna learn that it's just not possible?

God I'm a mess.

2011-09-20T00:11:00.001-04:00

i'm sorry

these days...

2011-09-18T21:55:00.004-04:00

my insecurities are eating me up alive

my fears are suffocating me to the point where I have no voice of my own

the ghosts of my past keep coming back to haunt me

I can't deal with it all.

I feel like I'm losing.

--

God.. help me :(
I'm so freaking weak and worthless and sinful and scared...
I need You so much

2011-09-12T22:58:00.000-04:00

No need to feel bad about this.
I haven't done anything wrong.

Just gotta keep trusting in Him, in every situation.

Kay.
It's all good :)

2011-09-10T02:39:00.003-04:00

ALSDKFJALSDIFHLAEIJRLAKSDJRLKAJLDSKJR

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR

... I wish I weren't so indecisive.
My life would be SOOOO MUCHHHH EASIERRRRRRRR if I just knew how to make decisions for myself -___-;;

it's that time again

2011-09-04T21:07:00.000-04:00

I hate being a girl

Mood swings are going crazy right now

Everything is pissing me off

I'm getting mad at everyone and everything today

I wouldn't mind staying home all day tomorrow

I wanna call it off... again

I'm starting to feel really insecure and scared about it... again

Everyone go away and leave me aloooooooooooooone

...

I hate being a girl.

2011-09-03T02:53:00.003-04:00

good day.

2011-08-30T18:44:00.001-04:00

Why do I do the things I do?

Praise team... college leadership team, small group, mission trips, youth retreats, KASE, internships, Tech...

Everything I do.. is it because I truly believe it's what God wants me to do? Or is it simply because I just want to please other people? I make a great follower, but do I make a good enough leader? I just want to look good in other people's eyes; I want to make other people happy. Pastor Peter, Pastor Jae, Pastor Joe, George, moksanneem, mommy, grandma, youth group, college group, my friends... I just want other people to see me and think, "Oh wow, what a great person!" I want other people to see the things I do and just like me better because of them. I just want to please other people. My heart motive is making me lose my sense of purpose...

I have no backbone, no spine.

That's why I can never say no.

That's why I'm so indecisive.

I can never decide what I want to do or what I want to eat...

I can't even decide whether I want to be in a relationship or not.

Pretty much every decision I've ever made in my whole life was made based on what other people told me to do. If I didn't have my own strong opinion on the matter, then it was always decided by other people. Going to Tech-- because my mom and grandma told me to. Coming in as a management major-- because my friend from high school suggested it. Switching to ISYE major-- because other people thought it would be better for me. Internship over the summer-- mom. Mission trips-- pastors. I didn't know what I wanted for myself, so I just went along with what other people told me.

If I didn't have my own opinion, then I just went with what other people told me to do. SO when I'm finally given a chance to make my own choice.... I just don't know what to do.

I just do whatever would please other people most.

I have no voice of my own.

"...for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

So where is my own power? Why do I only have fear?

...
Damn this sinful nature of mine.

2011-08-27T22:18:00.000-04:00

As soon as I stopped searching for it, I found it
Or rather, it found me

... haha. God?

Let's see where this takes us.
Let's see where He leads us.

2011-08-26T01:35:00.001-04:00

He is so much more than words can ever say

God,

You are so freaking good... haha

2011-08-23T02:10:00.004-04:00

초롱아, 한국에서 즐거운 시간 보내다가 돌아온 것 환영한다.
I am happy for you. Talk to you later.

How do you expect me to respond to this?
There's a reason I haven't talked to you since then.
You don't even know what you did wrong, do you?

You never said sorry.

You're the main reason why I'm so bitter.
You're the cause of most of my insecurities.
You're the one who gave me such a hardened heart.

"Talk to you later" ?

No.

Not until you apologize.

a change of "scenario"

2011-08-20T20:30:00.006-04:00

Last night I went out with a few people-- half of whom I would have only considered as acquaintances, and the other half of whom I didn't even know before last night. So why did I go? I was only pretty good friends with two out of a group of about 20 people, so why? I don't know, I was bored, I wanted an excuse to get out of the house, and it's always fun meeting new people and seeing old faces after a whole summer of being thousands of miles away from home, right? ....... But countless times last night, when I talked with different people... they kept on asking me why I was there, saying things like, "This isn't your scene," or "This isn't a church function or anything, none of your church friends are here," and other stuff like that.

..... Uhhhhhhhh is that how people really see me? As some kind of exclusive prude who doesn't hang out with anyone who doesn't go to church, or some kind of condescending goody-goody who thinks I'm all high and mighty because I think my moral standards are way above those of many of my peers?

Big. Huge. Sigh. Dang, man.... I really don't want to be labeled like that.

But then I realize... there are reasons for the existence of that label in the first place. Look around. Look at all the Korean churches in the Atlanta area, and see that it's all the same. We only hang out with other church members. We hang out with them in our own schools during the week, we hang out with them at church during the weekends. We hang out with them during our summer and winter breaks. I mean, not that it's bad to hang out with church people-- that's not what I'm saying at all. Accountability is good, pretty much necessary to have a fruitful spiritual life. But what I'm trying to say is-- we claim that we follow Christ, yet when He commands us to love all people, we twist it to fit to our own desires and we love the people who are similar to us more than the ones who are a little different. Shouldn't that love be equal, if not the other way around?

It's kind of sickening. We need to get out of our little church bubbles and get out there and let people know we love them and love God at the same time. There's nothing wrong with that. That's ministry.

sorry,

2011-08-17T02:33:00.001-04:00

but right now I need to focus on learning how to become dependent on Him and Him alone, before I start becoming even the slightest bit dependent on someone else; to establish my identity and security in Him and Him alone, rather than in other people.

Maybe I misled you to think otherwise, and I apologize for that...

but I don't plan on reciprocating your intentions.

Nor anyone else's, for the time being.

... I really am sorry, though.

2011-08-14T03:51:00.002-04:00

It feels weird to be home

A little too weird

As if I don't belong here anymore

As if I'm not really home

.....

If home is where the heart is

Then my home is in the cities of 천안 and Seattle

2011-08-05T05:32:00.003-04:00

Now that work is over, I'm so eager to go home.
I just want to go back and see my friends and family... especially my mommy, with whom I need to make amends. I want to go back to Bethany and I want to go back to Tech (not for the classes, just for the people). I want to eat greasy, nasty, artery-clogging junk food at 3 in the morning again.... blarghhhh droooolll......

I've been reading a lot these days. Being at my grandparents' place this past week has been very chill.... maybe a little bit too chill. When I'm here, I usually don't do anything but watch tv or movies, or chat with friends. But tv/movies get boring, and the time difference interferes with my chatting with friends. So I picked up a few books and now I can't get enough of em. Even when I go to Seoul, I don't mind the two-hour long commute because I just get lost in the pages; I need only to read a handful of chapters and I'm already at my destination.

I forgot how much I loved reading. I forgot the emotions it provokes and the imagination it stirs. How did I forget? Why haven't I read a single leisure book since high school?! Sigh.... I surprise myself with how dumb I can be sometimes.

2011-08-03T10:39:00.001-04:00

I've been fighting with my mom pretty much non-stop since May. I don't know why, but we seem to disagree on every single little thing.. She used to call me every single day at least three times a day, until I rudely asked her to stop calling me every day and to try to reduce it to only a few times a week, if even that. She drives me insane, and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual. She gets mad at me for every single little thing I do or don't do, and vice versa.

But suddenly I'm reminded of the Father's love. I think of how He calls us, every moment of every day, to see how we're doing. He just wants to talk to us, to listen to us, to love us, and to have us love Him in return. He wants us to tell Him how our days have been, He wants us to hear what He has to say. He gives us advice, because He knows what's best for us. He gets angry at us and disciplines us, but only because we're so rebellious... we're so stupid and we ignore Him and brush Him off, we rush through our conversations with Him, we ignore the advice He gives us because we think we know better, and most of all, we forget. We forget that He loves us as much as He does. We forget that He gets hurt whenever we fight Him and rebel against him.. when all He wants to do is love us and give us what's best for us....

I am the worst daughter. To both my Father in heaven and to my own mother. I don't deserve either of their love.

box

2011-07-20T07:44:00.001-04:00

"Do you go to church?" My coworker asked after seeing me pray before my meal.

"Yeah, I try to, whenever I go to Seoul."

"Wow... I bet you're gonna go to heaven."

That caught me off guard. "........... huh?"

"So does that mean I'm going to hell? Since I don't believe in God?"

I didn't answer him. I just shrugged and kept on eating. But now that whole scenario is eating me up inside... why didn't I answer him? It's not like I didn't know the answer. I've known it for as long as I've been going to church.. which is my whole 20 years of life. I claim to be a follower of Christ... but what kind of follower am I if I were to only embrace the happy, flowery parts of Christianity? How could I call myself a Christian if I only accept the parts of God that I want to accept-- the happy, mushy gushy, God-loves-you-and-forgives-you God, the God who pursues after you relentlessly, the God who waits for you like a groom waits anxiously for his bride, the God of comfort and rest; and I reject the parts of God that I want to reject-- the God of fearsome anger, the God of destruction, the God of wrath?

Is it better to mislead people and trick them into believing that our God is a singly-faceted God who is only about happiness and bubbles and warm tingly feelings, just so that it would be easier for people to accept Him? And then later after we've lured them into our "trap", then do we spring the rest of the truth on them-- the uncomfortable, burdensome truth? Who am I to put God in a box, where I get to pick and choose which parts of God I want to share with others and which parts I want to hide from them?

I never want to be the type of Christian who goes around condemning people saying, "You're going to hell" right in their faces. But at the same time, I don't want to be the type of ignorant Christian who claims to believe God is limitless and yet tries to limit Him. I don't want to be the type of Christian who is just too in denial to accept not only the good from God, but also the bad that He allows.....

Job 2:10 - "... Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?"

...

i'm such a coward

2011-07-19T02:56:00.003-04:00

All aboard this lonely ship tonight
Where it goes, I don't know, it's alright
You remain in me so dark and deep
Like water from the deepest of the seas
The wind will blow this ship like autumn leaves
I'll rip the sails and sew them to my sleeves
Chain my heart and throw it overboard
The weight of it will keep us through the storm

- - -

I've been looking through these eyes of black and white for far too long
And now these deepened colors seem so shocking
Every cloud that passes by is another cloud I'll never see
Maybe I just try too hard to understand all of these things

Will my life be long enough to see the things I want to see?
I believe this world is just too big for me

This life is just a blink of an eye;
A glimpse into a world we were never meant to see
So don't hang onto anything at all
And all the things we have and all the people we have known
Will fade away so quickly into the deep

And memories of love will be
The only warmth we have in the end

- - -

All apologies I owe have all lost their worth
I won't say a word cause I don't want to lose
What we have left

If you'll be my love, I'll be your mistake
If you need your space, then I'll face a distance
It's not that I'm brave, I just finally realized that I
I've never, I've never been there for you

- - -

Out in the wild, deep in the woods there's a place
Where all the lonely people hold their hearts
And wait for a song or a voice that will finally know their name
Where is love when it's needed most?
Did it burn away the moment we all looked away?
Envy waits for those days when it rains

- - -

Dang, I forgot how good Daphne Loves Derby was. There's a reason why they were my favorite band all throughout middle/high school. I want them to come baaaaaackkkkkk :(

rawr

2011-07-13T04:22:00.000-04:00

Just some thoughts on my mind the past few days.

I miss Andy oppa. It's been about a year since I last saw him, but even that was only for a few days. I hope he's doing well. It seems like he's great... like he's not lost anymore. I wanna see him. I have this plan that I just came up with a few minutes ago... like a possible road trip to Kansas City the week before school starts. Hopefully it'll work out, hopefully I can see him.

I hate periods. I'm so bloated right now, even my face is swollen. The moment I walked into work today, my coworkers were shocked at how horrible I looked. My cramps are killing me. I took medication but it's not working... they get worse and worse every month. I cried yesterday while watching TV. For no reason. Heck, I was watching a comedy show at the time. I feel disgusting. I mean I'm already sensitive enough while I'm on this thing cause of my uncontrollable raging hormones, but all the bloating and swelling is making me even more insecure than I already am. Every month it gets worse and worse-- physically and emotionally. BLAH.

I don't want to go home. But I want to see people. Hm. I wouldn't exactly say I'm homesick... I'm just worried that I may be forgotten soon...

My boss talked to me yesterday. He asked me if I missed home. I said no, I'd like to stay here a few more months if I could. So he asked me to stay a few more months. I said I couldn't because I had school. So he asked me to work here after I graduate. I thought he was joking... but he was completely serious. But why? I don't do anything remotely beneficial to this company. Seriously. Sure, I correct English mistakes that some of my coworkers make. Yeah, I help find useful websites that they may find useful. That's about all I do. Why would he want me to work as a full-time employee here...? Which brings me to my next point.

We all long to be significant in life. Whether it's to a person, or whether you want to make a difference in the world, or whether you want to do a good job in your company... everyone wants to be of some significance to something at some (if not every) point in their lives. They just want to matter. Right now, I long to be at least somewhat useful to this company... but I'm not. What can I do that no one else here can? Nothing. My Korean skills are so limiting that it's frustrating the hell out of me. I know, I know, I could always learn Korean... but I mean how much could I really learn in the two years between now and when I graduate? Not enough to really make that big of a difference. I just want to help my coworkers here in some way, in ANY way... but I can't. So I'm wondering, why in the world would my boss want to hire me full-time? As much as I'm thrilled and grateful that I have a job lined up for me as soon as I graduate, I feel like the guilt of having nothing to contribute would be too much of a burden for me.

I can't wait for KASE. I need it.

My only comfort these days is God, but I haven't been very faithful these days...

As for the church I (sometimes) go to here in Korea... the messages are always so clear and straight-forward and completely scripture-based and relevant. They're great. But as for the people... I mean, to be completely honest, I don't feel like I'm a part of the community. At all. Maybe it's just because they know I'll be leaving by the end of the summer, so they don't really make an effort to form any deep relationships with me... like a what's-the-point kinda thing. Or maybe it's just because it's a big church, and there are a lot of people, and there are a lot of visitors, and it's so easy to just get lost in the crowd and not be noticed. Either way, it really makes me want to go back to Bethany and be super duper welcoming to all the newcomers. Like forreal, I want to give them all hugs. It's tough being a complete stranger in a church, and it shouldn't be.

I have yet to have even a drop of soju touch my tongue. I guess I'm kind of proud of that. I mean I've had beer and wine, but only a few sips of each, and only when my bosses made me drink as is the proper etiquette. Sure, I'm legal here in Korea. Sure, I'll be legal in less than three months. Of course, I am looking forward to the day where I can sit at fancy restaurants and sip on fancy drinks with my girlfriends and have deep, meaningful life talks with them. But I promise you, never in my life will you ever see me completely inebriated beyond control. Ever. There's a reason to why I choose not to drink to get drunk. It's not because I'm still underage in the states. There's a specific reason, much deeper below the surface, much darker into my past than anyone realizes. So you make your choices and I'll make mine. Don't judge me and label me as a lame, no fun goody-goody or a condescending, holier-than-thou prude.. and I won't judge you based on your lifestyle choices either.

The days are going by too quickly. I have 17 days left at the company, then I go to Seoul to stay with family for a week, and then finally back to the states. The only reason I would consider taking the job after I graduate is so I could see everyone here again and just hang out with them again. I seriously feel like part of a family here.. sometimes even more so than my real family. I hope the next few days are the slowest days of my life... I just want them to last as long as possible.

(Sheesh. This entry was a lot more negative than I'd intended it to be... bahahahaha oh well.)

2011-07-11T04:10:00.001-04:00

Does anybody even read this anymore?

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2011-07-04T21:33:00.002-04:00

This weekend was pretty awesome, not gonna lie.
Just wanted to document it, cause I don't wanna forget later on.

Saturday.
I had plans to meet up with Sung 오빠 and Jennie Goh for lunch. Woke up and got on the subway, prepared for a two-hour ride. I had to transfer twice, but I got on the wrong side each time so I was about twenty minutes late for lunch. Jennie lost so much weight... jealoussss @__@ She got prettier/cuter (the braces make her look cute hehe). For lunch I ate 고구마 and cheese 돈까스 (fried.. pork?). Probably the closest thing to heaven on earth. After that we walked around and went to a batting cage... it was my first time ever... LOL. We were all sweating like madddd after only like ten minutes (I'm still slightly sore from it as I type this). I sucked at it. Only hit one good one out of thirty. Haha it was fun though. After that, Sung 오빠 had to go. Then Jennie and I hit up LOTTE WORLD!! Rode the Gyro Drop (twice), the Gyro Swing, the Viking (twice), and Atlantis. I love the atmosphere there, I felt like a little kid again. Then of course, we ended the night with some good ol karaokeeeee.

Sunday.
Woke up, went to church. Rain rain rain. I hate monsoon season. After that, I met up with some relatives. I don't know what you would call them in English... but it was my mother's father's younger brother's family-- him, his wife, and his two sons. So for the sake of this entry, I'll call them grandma, grandpa, uncle 1 and uncle 2. When I first met them at the subway station, grandma yelled at me because I misunderstood uncle 2's directions on where to meet them. Oops. Bad first impression. Grandma, grandpa, uncle 2 and I went to eat some 안동국시 (uncle 1 was at work). We talked for a little while, and they said they already liked me a lot because I was so much better at Korean than my brother, who visited them two years ago. We went to the market cause they needed to buy some groceries. They also bought me a huge pizza to take back home... lol. Then we went to their house. I didn't like the way uncle 2 was treating grandma and grandpa. He's like 50-something, but his attitude towards them was like that of a teenager. They were just trying to help me and make me feel as comfortable as possible, but he kept on yelling at them, saying they were suffocating me and bothering me. Not cool. Grandma took me to her room and showed me a bunch of old family pictures. I saw pictures of my own grandma and grandpa (who passed away when I was only five, so I barely remember him) when they were in their 20s/30s. I saw pictures of my mom when she was a little kid. Uncle 1 came home from work, and the first thing he said to me was, "You gained weight~" HAHA :( Later I found out uncle 1 and my mom are really close. They're only a few days apart, so they went to school together when they were younger and grew up together. Pretty cool. Then he gave me about 200,000 won, which is around $210, and told me to go shopping. Niiiiice. Then they took me to the subway station and I started to head back. Got off the subway, then got on a taxi to go home from the station. Usually, taxi drivers are all really mean to me because I can't speak Korean very well, but this guy was the nicest guy EVER. He's like this cute old grandpa, and he tried to teach me a few words in Korean. He seemed really interested, and he kept asking about my family, what I'm doing here, how do I like it here, etc. He then gave me his business card and told me to call him if I ever needed any help. Ahhh he was so awesome :)

Haha wow that was long.
But yeah. Gooood weekend.

this weekend

2011-07-03T09:05:00.003-04:00

notes on what to write for next blog entry before i forget:

- nicest taxi driver ever
- family history
- old pictures
- kun-uncle's first words
- mom and kun-uncle
- fooooood (고구마 & cheese 돈까스, 안동국시, korean pizza, 호박전)
- jageun-uncle & halmonee/halabuhjee
- baseball
- soreness
- lotte world
- nrb
- monaymonaymonaymonayyyy

2011-07-01T00:55:00.000-04:00

Things I miss:

Chick-fil-A
Chipotle, Steak & Shake, Zaxby's, Arby's curly fries
cupcakes
my girls-- GC JO SC SP
Tech kids
Tech's internet (you'd think it'd be faster here, but it's not...)
Chick-fil-A
my brothers
할머니
할머니's cooking
엄마's restaurant's chicken wings
sleeping in
English subtitles
and Chick-fil-A

Things I don't miss:

Tech
allnighters
not having my own room
Georgia summers
spicy food... I'm dying over here
going to a McDonald's that doesn't have the 불고기 burger
expensive Korean snacks (so much cheaper here!)
certain people
not eating Chick-fil-A

Really craving a spicy chicken sandwich deluxe, along with some waffle fries and chick-fil-a sauce right now...... SIGH. I'm a fattyyyyyyy :<

2011-06-28T11:57:00.000-04:00

I don't want to leave this place.

I've only been here since the end of May, but I've fallen in love here. Not with Korea per se, not with Seoul, but with all the people in a little semiconductor-cleaning company office in a little borderline-countryside city known as 천안. I love the dinners that go from 6pm until well past midnight. I love the laughter and the chaos that ensues when soju begins to unravel everyone's inner craziness. I love sitting in the background and listening to them talk, even though I only understand what's going on about 50% of the time. I love it when they try to explain something in their extremely limited English... LOL. I love the kindness that they constantly lavish upon me, whether it be in the form of snacks or sodas or candies or sushi dinners. I love the joy they receive when they teach me something new. I just love how I feel like a part of a family here.

I don't want to leave.

I don't want to leave.

I don't want to leave.

I feel like once I leave here, I won't really belong anywhere else...

2011-06-20T10:10:00.000-04:00

The resilience of mankind scares me.

Whether someone goes away on vacation for a few months, or someone moves to the other side of the country for good, or someone suddenly passes away... we move on. Yes, we'll remember. At times we will forget. Either way, we will still move on. Always. Inevitably.

Would I consider this a blessing or a curse?

Eh. Depends on the situation, I guess...

I don't know why, but it just makes me uneasy :/

father's day

2011-06-19T10:57:00.004-04:00

I haven't talked to you since Thanksgiving
Nor do I want to

Yesterday I went to a wedding
I wondered if you would walk me down the aisle when it's my turn

Unless you finally decide to apologize,
I'd rather walk alone

... I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you though

time to start healing

2011-06-16T00:25:00.001-04:00

It's finally time to start getting myself out of this hole I've knowingly dug myself into. I knew from the very beginning that I shouldn't even get into in the first place, that it would suck when the time to get out finally came, but that knowledge doesn't help lessen the pain of it at all. Hm. Oh well. As a good friend told me the other day, "The battle is real, and so the pains are real." Haha yes. Soooo freaking real. But I know over time, it'll get easier. It's like what turning on your bedroom light at like 4 in the morning does to your eyes. It hurts like hell at first, but over time you adjust, and eventually you can see straight, and much clearer, and in color too (because the cone cells in your eyes which are primarily responsible for color perception aren't as powerful at night [the nerd in me emerges, I couldn't help it.. hehehe~]).

So let the healing process begin.
Little by little. Baby steps. Slowly, but fa sho-ly.
Let's start to see in color again :)

God help me.

2011-06-14T08:29:00.001-04:00

"This is what it means to have faith:

that while our emotions and this world tell us that we are nothing,

we trust that Jesus is giving us validity and beauty."

Thankful for a sister who can remind me of truth in my times of need.

I am constantly at war with myself

2011-06-08T10:15:00.002-04:00

This time, I don't know which side is right and which side is wrong.
Neither side is winning. It's more like both are losing.

What is this war raging inside me, you ask?

...

Part of me wants to just keep on eating and eating whatever I want while I'm here.
Another part wants to starve myself for the rest of the summer and get skinny.

Gluttony vs. insecurity... in which side does my allegiance lie?

I want to eat. I can't contain my passion for food. I wish I could make a living just eating food (not criticizing it, just eating). But at the same time... I can feel the pants getting tighter. At this rate, I can imagine the rolls stacking. I can feel the flab forming. Especially here in Korea, I feel more and more conscious of my image. All the girls here are stick skinny. But they don't eat a whole lot...

BUT I'M JUST SO FREAKING HUNGRY ALL THE TIME!!!! Ever since I got here I've been eating so much. I guess my metabolism has shot up since I eat at least three meals a day now, but now I rarely ever feel fully satisfied after I eat!

Why is thinness associated with beauty? Why can't FATness be associated with beauty? In that case, I could eat whatever I want and not worry about it. In fact, I'd probably become the most beautiful girl in the world! ... and the fullest. Therefore, the happiest.

Hahaaaaaaa.

I just wanna thank God for putting such good food in my life. Like legit. Thanks God for making food so good....... T-T

Going to sleep super hungry tonight........ sigh~

enough

2011-06-06T10:04:00.000-04:00

Enough is enough.
I'm not doing this anymore.
Why keep up with something that will bring me down anyway?

2011-05-30T19:47:00.000-04:00

God

My heart is aching for Your people--
The people whom You have given me the wonderful opportunity to work alongside with
Though it's only been one week, I already feel like I'm a part of a family here
Every day, more and more,
I feel genuinely grateful and blessed to have coworkers like them

... But at the same time

Every day, more and more,
It breaks my heart that none of them know You.

It's hard to describe this feeling
I'm thankful that this seemingly dead heart is starting to feel for Your people again...
but it hurts, God.

It hurts so much.

2011-05-23T11:55:00.001-04:00

Time to finally give an update on my stay here in Korea so far!

First of all, I feel so blessed to have been given this opportunity to intern here. More and more every day I feel almost guilty from being shown so much kindness by all the people here. Almost the exact opposite of my fears are being realized... I was so afraid that my coworkers would all look down on me; instead, they all take especially good care of me because I don't know my way around and I pretty much don't know how to function on my own here. They called me during the weekend to make sure I ate something (since during the weekdays the company provides meals). They took me shopping for basic necessities and food for my room. Last night they called me and treated me to a restaurant (삼겹살 and 갈비!! xD <3 ) and then a coffee shop afterwards. And contrary to what I thought would happen, my coworkers actually don't pressure me into drinking. The other day, they asked me if I liked soju, but I told them I never tried it before. I was kind of nervous that they would get me drunk out of my mind after they found that out, but instead they were saying stuff like, "Oh man, we really can't make her drink... that would make us such bad people!" Haha they're such fun people too. Everyone's in their late 20s/early 30s here, so it's like they treat me as a younger sibling, almost. I love itttt haha :D

Work isn't bad at all... in fact, I wish I could do more, but there isn't much I can do due to the language barrier, so they just tell me to do what I can. The other day they gave me these packets in English to read, summarize, do further research on, and eventually make a powerpoint presentation on. So as I was working on it for a few hours, they came by later and told me not to worry about it too much, and to not take it so seriously. A few hours later, one of my coworkers asked me to go outside to talk. I thought I was in trouble or something, but he just leads me to the vending machine and buys me a drink, saying that he was getting worried because I just sat in the chair for hours and hours without any breaks. Haha. I guess that's one good thing I got from sitting at the library during the school year for a bajillion hours at a time.

The place I'm staying at is small and cozy... I like it! It's the first time I have an actual room to myself in a really long time (since my room at home has been given away to a foreign exchange student, and at Tech I've always had a roommate). I'm pretty surprised at how clean I've been keeping it! Haha.. we'll see how long that lasts. While I'm at my room, I realize I waste a lot of time... gotta fix that. I usually just get on the computer and chat with people back at home who are online at that time, or watch some Korean TV. Every now and then I'll stretch and do jumping jacks and pushups and situps, just for the heck of it. I need to be more active... I really need to find a gym, especially at the rate my food intake is going... ><

I'm constantly eating and eating... I feel my pants getting tighter around the waist already. I love it! Haha. The food at the office is yummy-- good old traditional Korean foods. The weather here is amazing; it's still spring here and it rains every now and then, so it actually gets kind of cold sometimes. I have yet to explore the city beyond the market down the street, but I'm kind of scared I'll get lost on my own. I have yet to find out a way to get to the nearest subway station so I could go to Seoul on the weekends and meet up with people. I have yet to find a church (with an English service). But I'm not that worried. I'll figure things out eventually :)

I miss my friendssss :( I wish I were playing with people.. I see pictures and status updates and check-ins on facebook and wish I was there with everyone! But at the same time, I don't feel homesick at all. I love this feeling of independence! It's also nice to be away from the constant nagging from my mom, although she still finds a way to bug the ddong outta me through her millions of emails and phone calls... hahhhh. I'm learning so much about the culture and the people here. I'm learning so much about myself here... mannnn it's crazy hahaha.

I really thought I was going to hate it, but I'm already starting to love it here.
I already don't want to go back home...... hahahaha jk.
... maybe :)

2011-05-15T19:59:00.003-04:00

Everything happens for a reason.
I just wish I knew what the reasons were.

okay

2011-05-11T22:32:00.000-04:00

Temporary lapse of judgment over.

Hah.

2011-05-09T04:26:00.000-04:00

What am I getting myself into?
Nothing. No. I'm not going to get into this. I know I shouldn't.
....But then why do I keep setting myself up for it?
Why do I keep putting myself in these types of situations?

I don't know what I want.
I don't know what You want.
Why would You place this in front of me?
Is it to turn away and take a different path? Or to overcome?

Give me wisdom, give me strength...

pre-final QT

2011-05-04T06:36:00.001-04:00

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
- Colossians 3:15-17

God.
I'm pretty much as prepared as I'll ever be for this final. If I don't do well on this final, I will have to retake the class next semester, and my whole schedule will be messed up because of prerequisites and whatnot. My classes will be pushed back, and I may stay here longer than I expected. But I'm gonna trust in You. I have faith that You will help me; You will give me strength. And no matter what the results, I trust that You will grant me Your peace. I thank You in advance for whatever Your will is.

Now to take on this final!! We got thissss :)

finals

2011-05-03T00:26:00.000-04:00

Note to self:

Focus.
Prayer, prayer, and more prayer.

And in the end, no matter what the results
Trust.

Korea

2011-04-25T14:37:00.007-04:00

As of this moment, t-minus 22 days until I am sitting on an economy-class window seat on a plane headed for the other side of the world.

I'm going to be traveling by myself for the first time ever-- moreover, to a country that I've never even been to before. I've never been away from home for more than one week at a time. Being at school doesn't count because it's only twenty minutes away from home and I see my brother and mom often. I can barely understand Korean, my vocabulary is as good as that of a 4-year-old's (if even that), and I have no close relatives there. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to be doing there as an intern at the company I'm going to work for, and I have no idea how I'm going to overcome the overwhelming language barrier. I can only imagine the dirty looks that I'm going to receive because of my lack of knowledge of the culture, what with the whole elder-respect thing and stuff. People keep telling me all these horror stories... guys there are much more forward and aggressive. Coworkers will look down on me if I don't drink. Because I will probably be the youngest, I have to be the first one there at the office and the last one to leave. I also probably have to get coffee for them, along with other menial tasks. I will most likely be their little slave. I'm probably going to offend a lot of people. I'm probably going to cry a lot. I'm already getting homesick just thinking about it.

What am I going to do about a phone? What do I do with money? How do I know if someone's ripping me off or not when I go buy stuff? How do I be polite yet stern at the same time (in Korean!)? Will someone be picking me up from the airport? How will I get to the company? How am I supposed to figure out the transportation system by myself? What do I do about church? How/where will I find a church with an English service? How would I get there?

I don't want to go. I want to spend what could be 태훈이 오빠's last summer here in Georgia with him. I want to go visit Andy 오빠 in Kansas City. I want to help my mommy out at her restaurant, especially since one of her employees quit recently. I want to stay here and just rest for a few weeks. I haven't had a break during the summer in so long, I just want to hang out with people. Call up old high school friends and catch up with them. Call up newly acquired friends and deepen my relationships with them. Catch up with Sue, Sharon, and Joano. Play with Grace and have epic adventures together. Serve at Bethany. Go to Costa Rica and Dominican Republic. Serve the youth group at retreats and at Ignite and whatnot. Have fellowship with the college group and do fundraising activities for KASE, or go on camping trips and whitewater rafting trips and rock-climbing trips with them. But no, I can't do any of the above.

I don't want to go.

.......... And yet,

I find myself counting down the days with a slight hint of excitement.

What a time of growth it'll be for me... For me to be pretty much completely on my own, completely independent. What will I be when I'm plunged into an unfamiliar environment such as this? Who will I become? Will I stay the same? Will I change for the better or for the worse? Will I conform to be like everyone else? Will I be true to my personal morals and values? How will I act around people who don't know me at all? Will my true character be revealed?

So many questions... but only God holds the answers.
He knows what He's doing.
I just gotta put my faith in Him, amen?

He is risen

2011-04-24T01:45:00.000-04:00

filthy with sin

yet cleansed by grace.

thank you, Jesus..

2011-04-16T21:28:00.002-04:00

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?

I know this isn't good... and yet I continue. My friends tell me not to do anything, and I intentionally don't listen to them. Against the advice of others who unanimously agree that it's not in my best interest, I am starting to get myself into this (possible) mess. And the thing is, I know it's not gonna end up well. I may end up hurting myself and others along the way.

So why?

Ughhhh darn this rebellious nature of mine!! :(

2011-04-12T01:26:00.004-04:00

this problem of mine has got to stop.
why am i always so envious of people so into the world?
i don't need those things.

i need truth.

for the first time in a while, rather than just mindlessly reading it without much care or thought, tonight i will seek and find true comfort in the Word.

2011-04-07T22:26:00.003-04:00

where has my voice gone?

2011-04-07T17:06:00.000-04:00

God

if they only talk to me when they want or need something
may I listen all the more intently and lovingly

if they constantly take advantage of me
may I continue to help, expecting nothing in return

if they ignore me and disregard my presence
may I respect their privacy and leave them alone

if they overlook my personal opinions and feelings
may I consider theirs above my own anyway

if the only thing they do is take, take, take
may I wholeheartedly and gladly give, give, give

help me to love people the way that You do

late have i loved You

2011-04-05T09:22:00.000-04:00

You called and You shouted, You broke through my deafness

You flashed and You shone, dispelled all my blindness

2011-03-28T01:27:00.005-04:00

Today I found an old blog of mine

It only contains a single entry, dated March 10, 2006
It was an entry full of pain and heartbreak
of abandonment and rejection
of lost hope and wounded dreams

Today is March 28, 2011
Five years later, and I am still the same little girl that I was then--

Scared and insecure as ever.

don't you dare

2011-03-15T23:28:00.001-04:00

Don’t you dare start listening to the lie that Jesus is not enough for you.

Don’t you dare start seeking His love in other forms— in other people, in other things; you will be disappointed. I know it’s hard, but just keep on fighting through. You know why it’s so hard this time? Because you’re trying to do it on your own. You’re trying to do everything with your own strength. Do you honestly think you can do this yourself? You, with the hardened heart, with the dry throat, with the hungry soul? You can’t even lift your hands to praise Him near enough without His help. But trust in Him, and You’ll make it through this. You always have, you always will. And this not by your power, but by His.

So don’t you dare, Angie.

Don’t you dare begin to listen to that lie.

2011-03-14T22:31:00.001-04:00

"And really? Where does our need to get attention from [people] come from?
It comes from our unbelief that Jesus is enough.

Also, I want to remind you of what is beauty
What makes a woman beautiful?
It is her ability to trust in the Lord.
A woman who is at peace in that doesn't sell herself out so easy.

It's not a surprise that you sin.
Sometimes in the most ugly ways.
Don't be surprised that you sin-- that's pride.

The surprise is in the fact that God loves you.
You are loved.
That God would choose to even love you and forgive you
Let that be your freedom,
Let that be enough for you.
You are loved, Angie Kim.
You are a sinner to the core but God loves you
The creator of the universe, the maker of time, loves you and delights in listening to you.
Let Him pursue you, let Him romance you."

- - -
Holy, holy, holy Lord..
Jesus, You’re the one who saves me
Constantly creates me into something new

So renew me, God
Let me be satisfied in You, and You alone.

2011-03-07T21:24:00.001-05:00

Spirit now living and dwelling within me
Keep my eyes fixed ever on Jesus' face
Let not the things of this world ever sway me
I'll run til I finish the race

- - -

Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let love keep my will upon its knees

- - -

We will keep our eyes on You

Hear the cries of my heart, the struggles of my soul.
Let these lyrics be my prayer to You. Only You, Lord.

2011-03-06T21:51:00.002-05:00

I'm starting to become envious of people who are into the world. I wonder if it would be fun to just "let loose" and not be such a goody-goody all the time. What would it be like to not worry about tainting the name of Christ and just do whatever I want? To just go out and be crazy like everyone else. To rebel. To do whatever without feeling guilty.
To just let go.

... but that's just the sinful nature in me talking. And it won't win me over. Not this time.

I wonder how empty those people really are. What do they live for, who do they live for, if not for Christ? Do they live solely for themselves? Does it satisfy them? It makes me sad to see them live their lives like this. ....... But it makes me sick to my stomach to think even for a second that I desire that for myself. Why? Why is that even a temptation for me? It shouldn't be. It never used to be. But why is it now?

I am constantly at war with myself. Sinful me vs righteous me. And I feel like these days it's been harder and harder to win over the sinful part of me.

Please Lord. I'm begging you.
Please be my strength, for I don't have any more of my own.

2011-03-06T02:44:00.004-05:00

You make beautiful things out of dust
You make beautiful things out of us

--

Please be my strength
Cause I don't have anymore
I don't have anymore

2011-02-28T00:06:00.004-05:00

If loving were easy, it wouldn't be love.

"Show me how to love like You have loved me."

We sang these words today.
May it not merely be lip service

Rather,
Let that be my prayer.

2011-02-21T18:46:00.010-05:00

The more I realize how sinful I am, the more I realize how great my God is

May I become invisible in light of Your love

May You increase as I decrease

2011-02-20T03:15:00.004-05:00

Teach me, Spirit

Remind me that I know nothing
That You know what’s best, not me
And what am I if I have knowledge
But not love?
I am nothing

Humble me, LORD
Remind me that I am dispensable
That all I do is for Your glory, not mine
My righteous deeds are filthy rags
You don’t need me.
I am nothing

Help me, Father
Remind me that I am Your child
That You love me and restore me
Every time I fall short.
Without Your amazing grace,
I am nothing

2011-02-20T00:48:00.004-05:00

These days I find myself more and more conscious of my sins

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself

...... but I'm just so damn sinful

Why does God choose someone like me?
Dirty, filthy, wretched, worthless me.

Truly... that is amazing grace.

- - -

"And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught in Your grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love
Burning in my heart"

2011-02-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

bubbles

peace

2011-02-12T21:51:00.002-05:00

to understand what it means to

"Be still, and know that I am God."

- - -
To carry the name of Christ no matter where I am, what I do, or who I become.
That's all that really matters.

2011-02-08T01:42:00.001-05:00

Am I wasting my life?

The longer I stay at this school, the more I am convinced that I don't belong here.

Is Pastor Joe right? Is Jonathan right? Is Jennie right?

Do I really belong somewhere else?

Otherwise, why am I majoring in something that I'm not passionate about?

Is it really worth the sleepless nights, the hours of studying, the stress and exhaustion?

Why do I try so hard, only to fail over and over again?

What am I doing with my life?

What is my purpose?

My purpose is to glorify God and to expand His kingdom... and to enjoy Him.

Am I doing that here?

I don't know.

Will I do that if I go somewhere else?

I don't know.

Am I glorifying Him if I waste my potential?

Am I even wasting my potential right now?

What are my passions?

What are my dreams?

Should I let my passions and dreams direct the course of the rest of my life?

What do I want to do ten... no, five... not even, two years from now?

What is my calling?

Well for now, to just be a student... but am I being the best student that I can possibly be?

Would I be a better student somewhere else, if I did something I even mildly enjoyed?

Why do I keep failing when I study so hard?

How do I fail the easiest test of one of the easiest teachers here?

Do I just belong somewhere else?

Or am I supposed to keep fighting through this?

AM I WASTING MY LIFE?

---
... God. I am lost in a sea of uncertainty and failure.
Please. Give me something. A sign, a vision... anything.
I don't want to waste the gift of life that You have given me
But right now, it certainly feels like I am.

2011-02-04T15:38:00.000-05:00

every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord

so when we reject Him

how can we expect to have anything good come from ourselves?

2011-02-01T14:44:00.004-05:00

What am I if I have not love?

I can't wait

2011-01-24T16:54:00.002-05:00

to start playing the guitar again

- - -

I feel so alive these days

Thank you, God

steps

2011-01-20T09:18:00.006-05:00

The steps of a man are established by the LORD,

when he delights in his way;

though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,

for the LORD upholds his hand.

- Psalm 37:23-24

- - -

Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let love keep my will upon its knees

To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none

I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

prayer

2011-01-19T09:40:00.003-05:00

God... help me.

I don't ever remember deliberately rebelling against you, against your will. I know that I am in sin, and I know that this sin is choking me. In my prideful and sinful nature, I feel that I am entitled to this sin, that I have a right to have anger and wrath and bitterness dwelling in my heart because of what they have done to me and the rest of my family. But when you told me to deny myself and pick up my cross daily, you meant it. Picking up the cross isn't comfortable, it isn't easy. You never said it was. Denying myself doesn't only mean denial of my wants and desires; it's not just a denial of comforts and of worldly things. But denying myself in everything includes denial of my own "rights", and that includes my own sins. The more I hold onto this sin, the more I feel like I am the one hammering those nails into your hands and feet. I don't want to be in darkness anymore. I don't want this to be what stops me... I don't want this to be it. I want to only be closer with you. I want to be madly in love with you again, and I feel like I can't do that unless I finally let this go. But I can't do this on my own... so Lord, help me. Give me strength to overcome this... please. That I may learn to give to the undeserving, to forgive the unforgivable, and to love the unlovable.

Your daughter

Angie

nightmare

2011-01-12T12:16:00.001-05:00

Last night I had a dream that my mom died.

It seemed so real. I kept on waking up in the middle of the night, sobbing, only to go right back to sleep and right back into the nightmare. It was probably one of the saddest dreams I've ever had... I've had dreams of my brother dying a few times before, but I never cried in those. I think it's because I haven't been loving towards my mom the past few weeks while I was at home. Every time she would call me from work, I would always talk in an annoyed tone and hurry to hang up the call so I could resume whatever it was I was doing. I think the reason why that dream made me cry so much was because if she really did die today, I would have so many regrets...

엄마, 사랑해요

2011-01-11T01:46:00.002-05:00

I was always a good girl.

My parents raised me to have good morals and values. I tried my hardest not to steal, lie, or cheat. I've said only a handful of curse words in my entire life. I've never done drugs, and I've never been drunk. I've probably missed less than ten Sunday services my whole life, either from illness or weather conditions, or other things beyond my control. My main struggles with sin pretty much dealt with envy, idolatry, pride, and every so often materialism, among many others. But every time I've struggled with those, I would ask the Lord to help me, and to lead me and draw me closer to Him so I could overcome these iniquities.

That is, until now.

I am currently struggling with anger and hatred. This is the one and only time in my life that I have deliberately chosen not to repent for a sin. I realized just a few days ago that I've never actually hated anyone until now. And by hate, I don't mean strongly disliking someone. By hate, I mean that I don't care for this individual's salvation; I don't care whether they go to heaven or not. The only reason why I'm acting like this is because I feel that I'm right in my anger; I believe this is a righteous anger, and I have every right to hate them for what they've done to me and my loved ones.

But this is hurting me.

I can see how this bitter hatred is crippling me in my walk. I can't discern anything He says clearly anymore. My faith has never been emotionally-driven, but still, I can't feel Him even in the slightest anymore. This thing that I always thought was just a "dry season" is actually my deliberate rejection of His calling to forgive and love this person.

It's choking me.

I don't want to forgive them. But I don't want to be far from God anymore. I know that getting over this is crucial. But is it right to forgive simply so that I could be back to where I was with God again? They don't deserve my forgiveness. They haven't even asked for it in the first place. So should I grant it to them?

2011-01-08T03:43:00.002-05:00

I'm so ridiculously sinful, it's disgusting.

I need to change, but it's so hard.
I don't even want to. And so I'm crippled...

Nothing in this world is ours to own.
Not our comfort, our money, our relationships with others.
Not even our own sin.

God, help me.
I know for sure I can't do this on my own.
I need you to help me to even want to change.

Change my heart oh God
Make it ever true...

Luke 9:23

2010-12-31T00:07:00.005-05:00

Denial of my wants, my selfish desires, my ideas of what I think I need. Acknowledging my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, my deepest insecurities, and giving them up to Him. Rejoicing in Him, regardless of how I feel, or how I don't.

Circumstances will not dictate this relationship.

Your love is my remedy.

2010-12-25T19:51:00.007-05:00

Christmas 2010

good day.

2010-12-19T18:44:00.000-05:00

My deepest fear is being replaced.
It hurts me more than anything else ever could.

.

These days, I've been feeling like I'm being replaced.
And it hurts.

2010-12-15T20:26:00.002-05:00

If only my textbooks didn't cost a bajillion dollars each
I would burn them all right now right outside in the cold
And make some smores.

IT'S OVERRRRRRRR, I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

And it feels so weird.
I feel weird not being in the library studying for something.
Especially after this week... all-time record of three allnighters in a row.
How am I still alive, you ask? Good question...... I wonder that myself.

Finally, some time to relaxxxxxxx. Turn on the heater. Pick up a book. Cue Christmas music. Get lost in my blankets. Pass out after reading the first paragraph. Ahhhhhhhhh... this is the life -3-

2010-12-13T18:47:00.002-05:00

It's okay.
Everything will be alright.
As I said in one of my previous entries...

"I refuse to let my grades, my GPA, my academic performance ... limit my potential. My failures, though many, will not hold me back. I refuse to let my ambition go to waste. I'm going to live out to whatever the heck it is that God has called me to be."

Okay. I'm alright. Sure, I have to retake the class. But this time I'll get an A.
Sure, I might lose HOPE at this rate. But I can always work hard and get it back.
I will not let my academic performance define me.

It's only a failure if I choose not to get back up and try again.

2010-12-13T11:21:00.003-05:00

Who cries over stupid grades?

Oooh ooh, I know this one!

Angie does!! Wow. One answer that I actually know. Surprising.
I wish I had this much certainty of my answers during that final I just got destroyed by.

I've only cried over one class. Ever. And that was every time I had a test in this class. And I have to retake it next semester because I literally failed it. Not like Asian fail, but a big fat F fail. I just texted Taehoonee oppa about it and he's disappointed in me; and I'm not particularly looking forward to the phone conversation that will ensue once Momma Kim finds out that I failed my first class ever... the only member of the Kim family to fail a class (Sure, Andy oppa dropped out of college, but he never actually failed any classes.... hah). I studied so hard, I worked hard, I thought I understood most of it... maybe I'm just dumb. All my friends are doing so well. What's wrong with me. Seriously, a lot of times I think something's wrong with my brain. It's just not programmed to work well under certain times. Hm. Or maybe most of the time. I seriously must be stupid or something.

...

...........

Yeah, okay, I know. I'm not dumb. All these negative thoughts are not from God. I know. They're all lies to just bring me down. ...... but just for now, just for this moment, I want to be down. Let me wallow in my little self-pity-party! Hahaaaaaaaaaa

I will probably delete this entry in a few hours once my WOE-IS-ME-phase is over.

2010-12-11T19:07:00.005-05:00

This jealousy problem of mine is driving me mad. I need to stop being so covetous of other people. Whether it's her shirt, or his grades, or their friendship, or her faith, or his depth of knowledge of the Word... I need to stop. It's getting ridiculous.

Stop it, Angie.

- - -

Trading apathy for sympathy.
Facing calamity with serenity.
Soaking in the hope of the Kingdom.

Let it reign.

KASE 2011 on my mind.

dirt

2010-12-10T03:48:00.012-05:00

Study study study study study.

Why?

To get good grades.

Why?

To get a good job.

Why?

To get lots of money.

But why?

...... good question.

- - -

"You did a good job switching majors. You'll definitely get a lot more money since you're doing engineering now." "Angie, you should consider biomedical engineering. Some of the starting salaries are at $60,000!" "초롱아, you know my friend did electrical engineering and went to law school, and now she makes $120,000 a year. You should do that too." "Hey, I hear environmental engineers' pays are getting higher and higher every year, maybe you should switch into that."

Do this. Do that. And you'll get $_______. And you'll be happy.

I know they're looking out for what's in my best interest. But my best interest doesn't lie in money. I don't care how much I'll make in a year five, ten, twenty years from now. I just need to be comfortable, and that doesn't really require much. I don't really care about being rich. I don't care if I never end up making six figures in my lifetime. I'm sick of how deeply in love the world is with money; I refuse to become a slave to it. I don't want my security to depend on how much I have in my bank account.

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you."

- Hebrews 13:5

After all, as Pastor Joe said... in heaven, the streets are made of gold. Yeah. The streets, the pavement, the ground to be walked on and stepped all over, are made of gold. There are things in heaven that are worth so much more than the gold that we so love and idolize here on earth.

So why are we wasting our time worshiping the very dirt of heaven?

dead week

2010-12-08T17:49:00.006-05:00

Changed the layout for the first time since I made this thing. Yaaaaaaaay for simplicity.

So tired of studying already. And I've only REALLY studied for one night. Ughhhh... I feel like the older I get, the less studying I'm capable of. Haaaaaaaaaaha. Okay. Plan for today: finish writing this blog. Take a shower. Or a nap. Or both? Then start studying. And study ALLLLL day and ALLLLLLL night since I have no classes tomorrow. Yaaaaaaaaay. Thrilling.

Christmas is coming soon. I might buy my brother a present for the first time in a really long time... haha. We kind of have this unspoken mutual understanding that neither of us buys anything for the other. It's been like that for a couple of years now for mostly every occasion, like birthdays and whatnot. But I might get him a present this Christmas, just because. I'm making this conscious effort to talk to him more, letting him know more about my life, randomly texting him every now and then, just because I just want us to be closer. He's gonna graduate soon, and he's planning on going to grad school, most likely out of state. And then it'll just be me again, and it'll be like high school all over again. ERGO! I'm gonna be the best little sister that I could possibly be! ... and buy his brotherly love!! Muhahahaha.

Still getting used to my camera. It's confusing... all these settings, the aperture and shutter speed and exposure and whatnot... bahhh. I haven't exactly had time to really play with it though, besides the day I got it. Hopefully during winter break I can crack open that manual and pretty much memorize everything in there.

Ahh, speaking of winter. So many plans!! How many of them will I actually fulfill? Probably none of them. Haaaaaha. But we shall see :)

- - - - - - -

Plans for winter 2010/2011:

- Skiing/snowboarding trip with fraaaaaaaaands
- Passion 2011
- New York !?? Maybe, hopefully.
- Learn how to use the camera at least decently
- Play with Garageband a lil bit... (maybe write a song?! Haha)
- Reunion with the summer school 2008 crew :)
- Get lost in mindless consumerism (aka SHOP SHOP SHOP)

Yeah.... that's it for now. See how many things I can cross off in just the span of three weeks... before hell starts allllll over again :'(

Kay. Study time!